You Don't Know What It's Like
Finding the doorway to empathy and connection (without annoying people to death)
Have you ever opened up to someone to vent frustration or share a struggle, only to have that person cut you off with, “I know exactly how you feel...”
Do you, though?!
Some people might appreciate that response, but I’m not a fan—10/10 would not recommend being that person.
And yet, I do it fairly often, in one form or another.
Recently, I was brushing my daughter Eliana’s hair, and I kept bumping into tangles. I proceeded as gently as possible, but she wasn’t having it. To hear her, you’d have thought I was ripping her hair out in handfuls.
“Ow! That hurts!”
I snapped back, “It can’t possibly hurt that bad.”
And as soon as the words left my mouth, they bounced back at me like an echo. They sounded ridiculous.
How could I possibly know how bad it hurts? Could she have been exaggerating? Of course, but that’s not on me to sort out.
Here’s one of the trickiest parts of relating with other people. We can never honestly know what someone else is feeling. Even if we’ve walked through a seemingly identical situation, our experiences are unique. There may be overlaps and commonalities, but it’s a mistake to assume we can ever genuinely know what it’s like to be someone else, to feel what they feel.
Understanding this comes in handy during disagreements and debates. It’s helpful to consider when we don’t understand why someone takes offense to certain behaviors or statements.
And it’s also important to remember this when people hurt us and fail to see the big deal—they don’t know what they don’t know. The ability to recognize this is grace. Instead of immediately writing them off, it allows us to consider how difficult it is to try and stand in someone else’s shoes.
One of the hardest things to endure is the feeling of being misunderstood and unheard. It’s a special kind of pain, and while we can’t make others see the world through our eyes, we can be mindful of the way we hold space for them.
Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” we can replace it with, “Tell me what that feels like for you.”
This is the doorway to empathy. It clears the way for deep, meaningful connection with others, and it invites them to do the same for us.
I’d love to know how you see it. Tell me how you feel in the comments!